“Because of my father, I don’t have a man”

Relations with parents in childhood lay certain behaviors in adulthood. How to build relationships, if a father, who absent all childhood, causes irritation? With this issue, a 25-year-old Polina, an administrator from Moscow, came to a psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky.

Pauline: It seems to me that because of the relationship with my father in childhood, more precisely, because of their absence, I cannot arrange my personal life. In adolescence, I had complexes: I did not like the boys, I was very shy. If then I felt my father’s support, everything would be different. Now my father needs my support: he is disabled, he is lonely. And I feel pity and irritation for him and I blame myself for it, I am ashamed that I do not love him.­

Vladimir Dashevsky: How old you were when your parents divorced? ­

– Honestly, I never thought about it. One thing I can say for sure, we all our lives without him: I, mother, sister and brother. ­

– And so you are angry with your father? ­

– I work in the children’s center. Full families often come to us, I see the normal relationship of my father and child. And so I’m angry. After all, with my father, I do not feel spiritual intimacy, except that I feel sorry for him. And I can’t figure out these emotions. And it also scares that relations with my father affect my personal life, because it is not.

– How can this be due to what you think?

– This is what I can’t understand.

– You cannot understand how this is connected, but nevertheless you think that it is connected.

– I’m looking for reasons, and it scares me. ­

– Why does it scare you? ­

– Because if he were then in my life, probably now she would have developed differently. I want to understand if there are reasons for my loneliness. (Crying. Apologizes)

– Why are you apologizing?

– I am ashamed that I do not know how to restrain tears.

– And why do you have to restrain them?

– Sometimes it is extremely inappropriate. Especially in the psychotherapist’s office. (Laughs)

– Apparently, you usually keep everything in yourself?

– I can restrain anger in quarrels with my mother or sister, but I have not learned tears and resentment.

– And you are angry with your father?

– He is rather annoying me.

– Good. You described in detail your story. And what would you like from psychotherapy?

– lay out feelings on the shelves and understand the reasons why I can’t find a man. I don’t know why so.

– You say you cannot figure out feelings. On the one hand, this is a resentment against the father, on the other – distrust. On the third hand, guilt, because you really don’t want to take care of him. And plus you blame him for your own problems with men.

– I don’t blame. I just don’t see other reasons.

-But you are worried that because of your father you can stay alone until the end. Right?

-And all this because of his behavior in your childhood, due to the fact that he did not give you due attention? ­

– And therefore you claim that you do not blame your father? You see a contradiction here? ­

– Perhaps one of the main meanings of therapy is to be honest with. If you actually blame your father, then, probably, at least you should admit it to yourself.

– Yes, I blame. But I understand the brain that ..

– God be with him, with this brain. For us, the main

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thing is to understand feelings and emotions. And if you feel anger, rabies, hatred, and tell me about it. ­

– I feel, yes! Arrived … (sighs)

– That’s good that we arrived. And what is he, your father? Describe it.

– From the conversations, I know that in his youth he was very charismatic, the soul of the company. But the disease laid out an imprint.

– And you could fall in love with the one, say, he was in his youth? ­

– I don’t know, probably yes. But I like completely different men. And at some point I realized that I did not feel it with a relative.

– And what do you like to feel?

– I would like to support him. But it turns out that I support him. I care about him as I can, but I do not like him. I have to love him? ­

– Of course, you don’t have anything to anyone. We cannot force ourselves to feel what is not, or to love someone. This is what is stronger. But there are still emotions that we are not aware or afraid to admit to ourselves. You are trapped. If you cannot recognize your feelings in relation to your father, then how can you understand what you feel for other men? Either I love, or I will buy a tram ..

– “I love” never. I have not found a worthy person yet. ­

-The fact of the matter is that it is very difficult to admit to yourself that you love: it is dangerous, you become vulnerable. You said you did not find a worthy. And where are you looking for them, tell us. ­

– There is no specific place. I’m just not closing from this. But mom claims that I am a snow queen with great conceit, with an overstated bar. And I don’t believe in it.

– Why do you believe in it?

– To understand the reasons, to understand yourself.

– In general, you know, of course, I am surprised by this desire to get to the bottom of the reason. But in order to drive by car, it is absolutely not necessary to know how the internal combustion engine works. Just go.

– So why do you need to know then?

– Because it can’t go.

– But initially you set a goal not to go, but to understand the reasons why you are not going. Now you see that only knowledge of the work of the mechanism will never help you drive a car? (Nods)

– So you want to understand the reason why you are alone, or what do you really want? Tell this out loud.

– normal harmonious relations with a man. ­

– But this is obvious. ­

– Nothing like this. This is not obvious to you or your unconscious or for your rational brain. It is obvious to you that you need to find the reason. You are an expert for the reasons for your own failures. (Laughs)

– In order to arrange harmonious relations with men, you need to meet, talk, smile, flirt, listen to yourself and understand how you feel.

– We have such an audience in the center that, besides diluted dads, no one pays attention to me. ­

– And what’s wrong with dad? The fact is that the audience is not the same, or in the fact that these are diluted dads?

– Not that audience. ­

– And where is your audience?

– A good question. But I don’t want to walk with a banner “I am looking for”. ­

– And now you are with which banner?

– I hope that without. ­

-And in my opinion, at least one banner-“My dad is to blame”. The second banner – “I am looking for the reasons for my problems”. Third: “I have the wrong audience”. The fourth, finally, is “I am looking for a man”. I propose to throw them all off from this moment. In order to breathe air, you just need to take a breath and exhale. ­

– You’re right. It seems that such banners have got a dozen.

– You are not obliged to feel love and take care. Each of your action is a conscious choice of an adult. There are only you and the ocean of opportunities. And you decide whether to continue to look for reasons or swim freely in this ocean and check where it warms and where not.

– Yes, now I understand what you are talking about.

P.S

Vladimir Dashevsky: Pauline history is a classic example of an electric complex. A girl who was deprived of her father’s attention in childhood involuntarily idealizes him, and then accuses him of her failures. In parallel, she continues a teenage conflict with her mother. At the same time, real relations with men attract her much less than pondering the idea of their impossibility.

Polina (after a week): I did not expect some global changes from one session. And yet, thanks to a conversation with Vladimir, I finally managed to reconcile my heart and mind. Now I understand how important it is to put feelings in the words. I used to believe that the search for the reason helps to solve the problem. But this always led me to exhausting reflection. Vladimir was able to explain to me that it is not necessary to get to the bottom of the point, but to accept the situation and try to correct the consequences.

How to get to the first free consultation?

Psychotherapist Vladimir Dashevsky every month holds a free consultation with one of our readers. If you wanted to understand yourself for a long time, just fill out an application for participation in the special project of Psychologies magazine. You will be convinced that even in one session of working with a specialist you can better realize the causes of problems and start the way to release.


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